I tried an edible for the first time the other day.
My friend's boss purchased it from a medical marijuana facility and gave it to him as a gift. Way to be a boss boss, boss. However, I'm 22-years-old. Up until now, I've only smoked a few joints and white-girled it up at college parties. So, this was a super big deal and the anticipation was all-consuming.
I initially thought ingesting a weed brownie would cause the humor inherent in all aspects of life to blow up in my face. I'd revel in an intangible cloud of silliness and this giggly, free-spirited version of myself would make people want to give me a job on their aunt's TV show.
To my vast disappointment, none of the above occurred. In reality, consuming 1/4 of a weed brownie made my face feel like it was caving in on itself. I was hyperaware of what I might look like at all times and could barely string my words together. The second hypodermis of anxiety me and many millennials develop as a result of people expecting a lot from us was going strong. And, thanks to the fucking brownie, I couldn't funnel the anxiety into anything but a rigorous approach to a plate of nachos, a hella bourgie salad, a waffle chicken sandwich, a bowl of cereal with a glob of peanut butter mixed in, a reese's peanut butter cup and a bowl of jalapeño spicy chips.
On top of the internal turmoil, I brought my 4 nerdiest pals to a new friend's friend's* birthday party. They immediately sifted through all attendees to a game machine where players use fake primary colored guns to shoot zombies on screen.
Anywho, I don't think I'll be consuming edibles again anytime soon. Had I known the experience would be so underwhelming, I wouldn't have in the first place. Maybe that's the angle health teachers should take when they're trying to divert kids from drugs. Instead of "Drugs will ruin your life," say "Drugs are simply not that great." Anything life-ruining is super enticing to a bunch of kids unknowingly trying to self-sabotage themselves.
How do I know all young kids unknowingly self-sabotage themselves? Because they somehow come up with the idea that high school is a bummer. What the heck is high school other than literally doing nothing but LEARNING and then having older people worry about how they can support you? Yeah, kids are mean to you. Kids were mean to me too, all right? The second I stopped wearing makeup and started doing my homework, I lost most of my friends. My weekends involved watching tv and writing dumb shit. That doesn't mean I can't acknowledge that my parents paid for everything, my teachers took the time to encourage me to do meaningful stuff and I had the time to do shit like go to SlutWalk. Kids that don't have it rough convince themselves that they do and they pursue all means to make things worse. No one gives a shit if weed gets in the way of their studies.
They will give a shit if weed is anticlimactic.
Furthermore, give people some decent alternatives to drugs. No one does that, that is not a part of the D.A.R.E. program. The core message is "DON'T DO DRUGS," and they never follow it up with "INSTEAD DO **INSERT COOL THING HERE**." Honestly, it seems like most people I know that fuck with drugs to the point it's debilitating do so because there's an empty space in their heart. They're bored, unfilled, lost. Like, when I have nothing to do, I discount shop. I get really into it. But when I'm working on a project or have a calendar full of stuff, I could care less about finding a pair of floral shorts for 70% off.
So here's the part where I reference the title of this blog.
A Quick List of Alternatives to Edibles (The Opposite of An Ode to Edibles):
1. Look at your genitals in the mirror
2. See how many push ups you can actually do
3. Get sorbet with friends or alone (sorbet > ice cream, you wads)
4. Read fun stuff (articles, books, graphic novels, interviews, listicles)
5. Email your heroes to see if they respond
6. Like a bunch of people's stuff on social media, it's 0 effort and will make them feel special
7. Clean your room so hard
8. Pretend to eat an edible, throw it the heck away, and just act how you would want it to make you act. I do this all the time with alcohol because I don't like paying for something that makes me feel like I was beat up the night before.
Cool Beanie Babies, y'all**.
~~Tess~~
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*Ever since I got to LA, phrases like "friend's friend's," "Dad's childhood best friend's daughter's ex-boyfriend's" and "psychiatrist's nephew's college friend's girlfriend" have become a part of my lexicon.
**Despite the stereotypes people hold regarding the south, "y'all" is progressive as fuck and all regions should recognize.
